A day in the life of 1980
by TranslucentChick
Summary: WHAT happens after Peace Walks?
1. Chapter 1: the good ol' days

**Big Boss was about to defeat Metal Gear, the anticipation was high. The stakes were at an all time crisis mode deluxe supreme defcon 999999. He pulled out his RPG to finish off the deed as his whole crew cheered him on...**

**"WAKE UP!" Big Boss was hit ferociously by Eva. Or Tianna or Tittyanna Tanya bitch. "JOHN! STOP BEING A LAZY FUCK AND GO GET A JOB!' Eva SCREEEECHED in Big Boss's ear. "Ugh." Big Boss slithered out of his couch chair and fell on the floor. He slowly took out a cigar and smoked it. His life had slowly went down the drain. "You piece of shit mother fucker get the fuck off your fat lazy ass! I have THREE JOBS AND THREE KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF THANKS TO YOUR INCOMPETENCE." Eva yelled, as Big Boss's psyche drained. "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" Eva yelled, as the camera zoomed in under her skirt to reveal her panties, since Big Boss is still lying on floor. Eva kicked Big Boss, scoffed, and went to go back in the kitchen, where all good wifeys belong. Big Boss let out another "ugh" as his three GREEAT kids came walking through the door. "Daddeh, will you play ball with me?" Liquid Snake asked in a britly accent. "No." Said Big Boss. Liquid pouted and walked off to the side. "Hey dad, do you want to go make cool robots with me?" Asked Solidus Snake. "No." Said Big Boss. Solidus Snake also pouted and walked off in the same direction as Liquid. "Uh..Boss? Do you maybe want to...go to the supermarket with me? Maybe you'll get a job." Solid Snake asked. "Ok." Said Big Boss. "IT'S NOT FAIR! DAD ALWAYS DOES STUFF WITH YOU BUT NOT ME! YOU'RE HIS FAVORITE!" Liquid angered, then smashed through a wall. Solidus didn't really care because he was too busy making a robot with a peace sign on it. Big Boss sighed and motioned for Solid Snake to follow him outside to walk to the supermarket. He wasn't allowed to drive Eva's motorcycle because she "only gets off it when she falls in love or dies" or some shit. He knew it was because of the insurance rates rising due to her shitty woman driving skills. **


	2. Chapter 2: the supermarket

**Big Boss and Solid Snake walked in silence, then Solid Snake broke it. "Uh...Boss...dad...? Can we hold hands?" Asked Solid Snake. "What do you think I am? A fucking queer?" Big Boss commented. Suddenly Big Boss's iPhone 1980 edition rang. He let out another "ugh" as he opened up pictures from Kaz in his speedo with oggling babes and booze. The caption read "I lok preety god eh?1 Nut as good as good as you Boss, but ;p" Big Boss took out another cigar, smoked it, and was sad that Kaz could be a shitfaced motherfucker without any kids or responsibilities and he couldn't. "Uhm...Boss we are at the supermarket." Solid Snake sheepishly stated. "Boy, when you're talking to me you better say it loud and pr..." Big Boss started having a heart attack. "OH NO! DAD? DAD? DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Solid screamed. Everyone around them ignored them and continued on with their lives. Suddenly a woman walked up to Big Boss. She performed plastic surgery and BAM Big Boss didn't look like shit anymore, but he was still pretty dead. She then took out a nasty ration and shoved it in his mouth. He instantly popped back to life. He took out another cig and kept walking. "HEY! I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE ASSHOLE!" The lady screamed. Big Boss said nothing and kept walking. "Um..da...I mean Boss...why didn't you thank that lady?" Solid asked. Big Boss turned around quickly and stared right into Solid's eyes. "You be nice to a lady, they'll fuck ya, leave ya, get pregnant, and then give birth to a little heathen that just shits and eats all your money." Solid Snake just scaredly stared wide eyed and nodded, not really understanding because he's 8. They then kept walking along...until Big Boss ran into Revolver Ocelot and...THE BOSS! **


	3. Chapter 3: ugh

**"Boss..." Big Boss murmured. "Jack." The Boss replied. "Boss..." Big Boss said a little louder. "Jack, you look like shit." Said The Boss. "Thanks." Replied Big Boss. "Um..." Solid Snake tugged on The Boss's suit. "Yes?" She kindly asked while bending down to Solid Snake's height. "Why is your name The Boss?" Asked Solid Snake. "Because my dad was a fucking idiot, now why don't you shut the hell up and stay out of other people's business and stop acting like a pussy." The Boss warmly smiled, then resumed standing up as Solid Snake froze in time. "Hey! Don't talk to my kid that w..." Big Boss gruffled. "Jack, you're a piece of shit father." The Boss interrupted. Big Boss's psyche drained 3/4. "Heh, yea! You tell him mom!" Revolver Ocelot did his little faggoty hand thing. The Boss bitch slapped him to the ground. "You're a piece of shit too." The Boss said to Ocelot. "Nuh uh!" Ocelot took out his revolvers. "Heh, Big Boss, I'm much older and experienced now! Watch this! I can make this long, hot, hard, juicy, silver bullet..." He stopped for a second in awkward sexuality, then resumed, "uh..GOES BANGING AGAINST THESE WALLS!" He took aim, shot a wall, and it ricocheted right into his foot. He made that terrible MEEEEEEOOOOOW SCREECH in pain and collapsed on the ground. "OH, you're not just a piece of shit, you're a FUCKING IDIOT TOO! GUESS IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY." The Boss madly waved her arms around. "Dad is never so pist..." Ocelot bitched. "OH EXCUSE ME FOR BEING AN INVISIBLE SPACE ASTRONAUT AND THE MOTHER OF THE SPECIAL FORCES AND GIVING BIRTH TO YOUR DUMBASS IN BATTLE. IN FUCKING BATTLE WITH ROCKETS EXPLODING NEXT TO ME! " The Boss SCREEEEEECHED. The EVASION meter popped up. "Uh...we're gonna...go now..." Big Boss slowly backed away with Solid Snake. They shopped for stuff and headed back home.**


	4. Chapter 4: neighbors

**Big Boss and Solid Snake were walking home with the groceries when Big Boss spotted one of the fucking neighbors watering the flowers. He entered crouch mode. "Ok Solid..." Big Boss started. "My name's David." Replied Solid Snake. "Daniel, whatever, ok so we can't let our neighbor see us ok? It's a game!" Big Boss tried to sound convincing, but Solid Snake knew it was all a sham. "Dad...why do you hate our neighbors? They're so nice!" Solid Snake asked. Big Boss ignored him and started crawling on the ground. He dropped all his shopping bags by doing this, cracking all his eggs and destroying any frozen goods. This sound alerted a neighbor with a !. "JOHN!" Yelled Huey. "DAMNN IT!" Big Boss pounded his fist as the Mission Failed screen popped up...but then it disappeared and his life continued regardless. "How are you?! I mean uh, I could be wrong, but I haven't seen you in three months!" Huey gleefully said. "...yea..." Big Boss slowly went to standing mode. "Oh, you have to meet my new wife and child!" Huey animely smiled. "Uh...you...?" Big Boss chuckled, thinking it must be a joke. Huey kawaiied, called for STRANGELOVE AND THE BABY. Big Boss's mouth popped off. WHY DID THIS WEEABOO REPRODUCE?! More importantly, HOW did this weeaboo reproduce with THE BIGGEST LESBIAN IN THE WORLD! "Boss, meet Hal! Hehehe, we named him after that robot from the movie 2001 a Space Odyssey. Say, do you remember that movie Bo..." Huey was cut off as Big Boss pointed fingers at both of them and then motioned 'banging' with his hands as his mouth was still latched off. "Oh, silly me. I forgot to tell you that I chopped off my dick and grew myself a pair of A cups and a vagina! Dr. Strangelove and I created it together! We call it TransGender, since you transform into another gender! Pretty cool huh?" Huey explained life. "But..but how.." Big Boss tried to ask. "Oh, we simply sucked all the sperm out of Huey as a man, then used my egg to create a child that we then inserted back into Huey as a woman." Strangelove explained. "You didn't...?" Big Boss asked. "Oh pish posh! Never would I bare a child! I'm the man of this relationship, right HUEY?!" Strangelove threatened her fist above Huey. "Y...y.y.y.y..yes master." Huey shielded his head in fear. "Uh...we need to...get our groceries back to the house." Big Boss motioned to where all his broken groceries stood. "Oh alright you scoundrel!" Huey kawaiied, "and maybe David will become friends with little Hal some day!" Huey giggled. "Yea, sure!" Solid Snake smiled. They walked away from Huey, Strangelove, and baby Hal. Big Boss took Solid Snake to the side and grabbed him fiercely. "IF YOU EVER MAKE FRIENDS WITH HUEY'S KID I WILL CUT OUT YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS DO YOU UNDERSTAND!" Big Boss yelled in his monotone smoker voice. "Ok dad..you're hurting me...and you smell bad." Solid Snake coughed. "Ugh." Big Boss took out a cigar and smoked it.**


	5. Chapter 5: the guest

**Big Boss entered the house to a tantrum induced Liquid and Solidus fighting over a toy tower, Eva angrily doing laundry and vacuuming at the same time, and an unexpected guest at the table. "HELLO JOHN. I SEE YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT FUCK UP AS USUAL. YOUR NIGGER FRIE...I mean un, your friend from Niggeragua...I mean...your friend from Zambobawe is here!..." The guest angrily stared at Eva for a couple seconds. "I'm not racist ahahaha..." Eva mumbled as the guest turned his head away. She flipped him off and mouthed "nigger" as she continued her vacuuming in another room. "Wassup Boss!" Gray Fox asked while offering Big Boss a fist bump. "Sorry, I'm kind of behind on my pop culture." Big Boss admitted. "Maaaaan, you look like shit dawg." Gray Fox made a gang sign for FOXHOUND. Big Boss noticed Gray Fox's gold chains, backwards cap, gold teeth, and Nikes despite being a total gringochink. "So...what brings you here Fox?" Asked Big Boss. "Nigga, call me deepthroat!" Gray Fox patted Big Boss on the shoulder, which cracked his out of shape body. "Ugh." Big Boss took out a cigar. "JOHN DICK DOE YOU BETTER NOT BE SMOKING IN MY HOUSE!" Eva screeched from afar. Big Boss ignored her. "So uh..I sorta got this new daughter now cuz I totally murdered her parents nd felt bad about it yo. She my "lil' sista" Naomi. Naomi, come say hi to the boys!" Gray Fox motioned for a little girl to step forward. "Hi, I'm Solid Snake, but you can call me David!" Solid smiled while gesturing a hand. "I hope your flesh burns in hell." Naomi coldly stared with her satanic eyes and walked away. Solid Snake shriveled up and started rocking himself back and forth. "Ehehehe kids..." Gray Fox sheepishly laughed. "I should have used a condom." Big Boss replied, while blazing it up. "So uh..yea..see ya later dawg, peace out my nigga!" Gray Fox grabbed Naomi and ran out of the house. "Wigger." Big Boss stated, while slithering back onto his couch chair. He turned on the TV to see an audition to sing for $1,000,000. Big Boss was so excited he could hardly contain his explosion of monotonous facial expression.**


	6. Chapter 6: the audition

**Big Boss signed up for the talent show. He waited for five hours, but finally he was called on to the stage. They did a special story on him cuz he is a warvet with no job and three kids that he LOVES so much and takes care of that washingmachine (Eva). He got on the stage. He was being judged by none other than Major Zero, Colonel Campbell, and Colonel Volgin. "So, what's your name?" Asked Colonel Campbell. "You all know my name..." Big Boss replied. "Erm, so what are you going to do for us today?" Asked Major Zero. "Sing...what else can I do? It's a singing competition after all." Big Boss laughed. "Are you trying to be funny? Because you're not." Major Zero retorted. "..." Big Boss said nothing and cued the music. The judges smiled, excited to anticipate the famous Big Boss sing. Then Big Boss opened his mouth. "WhHaT a tHrIll." He sang. Big Boss's singing was a catastrophe!All their jaws hit the floor at just how horrible Big Boss really was. They all hit their buzzers, but Big Boss kept going. The audience was booing angrily. Then Big Boss let out the final "SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE EAAAAAATEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" With his voice so despicably crackling like the atomic bombs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined with the throat of an inbred hillbilly goat having its legs be mangled by an electric woodchopper while nails scratched on a chalkboard. The judges all immediately died, as did the audience, producers, staff; everyone just imploded into oblivion. Big Boss said "ugh" while taking out another cigar and stole the cash prize. "Heh. I'll show Eva what for." Big Boss cracked a smile, climbed into his box, and commenced the driving mode. A fully automated, literal boxcar sped away in all its cardboardy glory.**


	7. Chapter 7: the money

**"Honey, I can pay the bills." Big Boss burst through the door. "About goddamn time you son of a bitch!" Eva raged. Big Boss went to go pay the bills, but to his horror, he had $999999999999999 debt from all his cigars and rations. He tried to get a new credit card to help pretend to pay for his debt, but his FICO score was shit so the bank denied his request. "My mother was right about you, you bumbling behemoth!" Eva bitched. "Ugh." Big Boss took out another cigar and smoked it.**


End file.
